Jan. 26th, 2016 07:40 am
malgrin: (Just me)
Over the weekend, Mikey's former girlfriend (and the mother of his daughter) sent me a message through Facebook:

Karen, i came across this in Mikey's writings he had saved to Hotmail account. I didn't know if he ever sent it to you but thought you might like it if he hadn't. Just so you know there isn't a day that I don't think about him and miss him still to this day regardless if i am with another i will always love Mikey.

Karen… Please bear with me – I began this last night and then received your message – I finished it this morning and am just now assembling the assorted bar napkins and loose pieces of paper in my pockets – It began like this…

It’s Friday night and I am waiting for a girl I used to knock boots with – I sit at a table upstairs in the bar around 4:00 pm just after they have opened, passing small talk with the barmaid and sipping cheap whisky for no good reason – Looking only to cover up the sensation of not feeling anything at all – She seems galvanized by big plans and high hopes, tragic in her certainty that things will be different down the road – I haven’t the heart to tell her – So I smile and respond in all the right places – We have done this a hundred times and she still has no idea who she is talking to – They never do – She would run away crying if she did – Soon she has customers and I am left alone with my booze, my thoughts, my various hungers – Somebody feeds the jukebox and in one outrageous moment it is thundering bubblegum anthems for wanna-be tough guys and counterfeit bad girls – The place is filling up now – A cacophony of idle conversation breeding a thousand awkward horrors for the morning – Swirl my drink – Play with my napkin – Rush outside to smoke in case I start screaming – Gulping in great lung full’s of cold California air, I close my eyes and think about you – I’m not certain, but I think you can feel me – Somehow you know that your on my mind – My cigarette dances in trembling fingers – My date arrives smiling in rare dark design – She’s dressed for the part because she knows what I go for – It occurs to me that she will expect my attention, so I take her arm and begin my sick little dance – I engage her in chit-chat but your still in my head – I take her inside and order a round – I struggle to focus but grow increasingly taciturn, distracted, indignant, stilted, remote – She asks me how I am feeling, and all I can think is that I will never be able to explain to her what you already know – Because you know it’s not always easy to just go through the motions – Controlling the ticks and the twitches – Concealing the confused ugly faces you don’t know your making – Grinding your teeth to avoid thinking out loud – Coming apart at the seems when no one is looking – Because I know that you know this I can hold it together – I can still nail this down without shaking apart – So I persevere and her legs do the trick – I drink enough to take her home – I awake in the gray light before morning and put this to paper – It go’s in a drawer with a handful of other letters I have written you recently, but have dared not to send – I sit smoking and stare at this girl in my bed – I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling at this moment – I’m sure it must be something, but nothing seems to come – Instead I watch her occupy these familiar shadows and I wonder how you are – On a whim I check my e-mail (now that I have access) – There are one hundred and forty two, but all I see is the one from you – I don’t know just what to say – But that’s the thing with you and me isn’t it? – What’s not said is understood – The words are implicit but I search for them anyway – I weigh every one I send to you – I do it because… well… You are you, and that’s just what I do – I know that things between you and your mother have always been… I guess “strained” would not be putting to fine a point on it – I know that when my mother died, I felt that despite any faults she might have had, she deserved every tear I cried for her – But when my father died I couldn’t understand for the life of me, why I should feel even the slightest bit bad about it – And what did that make me for having such a thought? – I am not sure that it means anything at all – It is what it is – I have not one good memory of my father, but I already have legions of indescribably beautiful memories of my daughter – So I win – “My head is bloody but unbowed” – I will not attempt to make comparisons between any of that and how you might have felt or feel about your mother – Just know that I know that you can hold it together – It is cruel and bewildering what our parents can do to us growing up – But you made it through that, and if nothing else you have become someone whom your children love – Someone who (if I may pay you the greatest compliment) I would encourage my daughter to emulate – In thought and spirit, in the lives of others and in so very many other ways – (I will tell you more about her next time) – And lets not forget what else you are to me – It might seem selfish to some but I need you as much as the air I breath – Without you, the wounds my parents inflicted might very well have been fatal – If you recall, they almost were on occasion – There is a great line I have vowed to borrow should someone ever ask me to sum up my life in fifty words or less, and I think it applies to childhood as much anything –

“It was as if he had stepped into the company of strangers, in a strange room he had never seen before, and the comedy they performed for him was awful and grotesque and impossible to comprehend.”

Jack Ketchum

You and I have never been strangers – Not in this life, and not for a long, long, long time before it – I am blessed for that - - - - It has started to rain and the smoke from my cigarette rises blue in the tired early light – She is more than just warm, wrapped up there in the gloom – I know what’s in there – Dangerous and sweet as a candy coated razor – Tempting… but I don’t think I will be going back to bed – My boots and my belt and my cap and my jacket – I’m going outside for a walk in the storm –

Wish you were here.

It was like being visited by a ghost. I could see his mannerisms...hear his voice. Although, communication by letter or e-mail was far more common for us than face-to-face contact. This letter so perfectly encapsulates the way we communicated - talking about aspects of our lives and noting that we had some sort of connection - and always knowing the other would understand whatever darkness we were swimming through at any given moment. An "allowing".

It was hard to read - because I'm still angry. He showed up in my dream that night as well. Maybe the time is coming for me to forgive and let go. In some ways, I feel like I am clinging to my anger the same way I clung to his friendship. It was always hard to understand why we were connected. Though we had our similarities, the differences outnumbered them. I think maybe I just decided to listen and care at a time when that was what he needed. I saw him. He saw me. Maybe that's all it takes for a connection to become a bond.

I think, also, that some part of me still blames myself for his death. I know how irrational that is. Yet - if we had this connection or bond - then why didn't he reach out? About a year before he died, he had tried to contact me and I was in the middle of moving Pete into my house after he broke his Achilles tendon. I was completely overwhelmed and had nothing to spare for anyone else. So, I didn't call Mikey back. I think it weighs on me a lot. I think I feel that I damaged our bond and as a result, he didn't reach out the day he died. I don't know. I suppose if I didn't feel that way on some level, I wouldn't be writing about it - so it must be buried in my psyche. And - maybe it is even true. And maybe life is just like that sometimes and we aren't always capable of being there for other people. But, this one weighs heavily on me.

Guilt and anger and sorrow.
malgrin: (Default)
I haven't had a chance to write about the frenzy that was D&A's wedding yet. I'm sorely out of my usual habits. This is due to some pretty extreme fatigue (the result of three nights in a row without adequate sleep).

However, I am grateful to say now that I feel much more like myself. I am grateful for a bit of "early to bed" to go along with my usual "early to rise." If my ankle would catch up with the program, that would be grand.

Tonight, Pete has Back to School Night. I'll be home, finishing up the tidying of our guest room... because Brittany and family will be here Friday night! Wooosh! But, the room is at least starting to come together - and that takes a lot off my mind. First - it is tidier, which is nice. Second, it is far more organized than before (I replaced the desk/shelf with shelves) so that room is going to be quite a bit more usable in the future - which is great.

And then... we get RAYNA TIME!!! Yay! We are going to help Brittany put together her Halloween Costume because Rayna is going to be Dippy for Halloween! What could be better than that? HA HA..

I think Brittany is a little bit homesick. It will be good to see them.

Then, I'm off to California. Woosh.

Now that the sewing is done and the ceremony is over, I feel a lot more relaxed. Everything went great and the wedding was wonderful, but I think I was more nervous than I realized. Now that it is done, I feel a huge sense of relief. My car is still broken. I did get my bank account fixed, though. Gee... I'm not even sure I've written about those fun times. (Friday, my car overheated in the Walgreens parking lot and then someone tried to hack into my bank account - twice). I still need to sort out the car issues... but my bank is sorted. This Mercury Retrograde has been madness... and it is going to wrap itself up while I'm in California. So, that should be interesting. As long as I get home again, that's what I care about. I've heard that the new GM at work is nice. I'll meet him next week.

So, onward. Back to journaling et al.


Apr. 7th, 2015 07:30 am
malgrin: (Wee Me)
I am grateful for attending a fun and interesting Meetup last night. It was fun to talk to people I have never met or haven't seen in a long while. It was outside what I "normally" do, and I think that's good for me.

This is a very busy week. I don't have any nights of "nothing."


Feb. 18th, 2015 07:24 am
malgrin: (Wee Me)
I am grateful that I stayed home last night. Pete said it actually made him feel less nervous that I wasn't going to go. Plus, he wants me to be as healthy as possible when we head to Seattle. No improvement on that front so far, but I keep hoping. I sewed all night - which was good. It was low-exertion and yet productive.

I had restless dreams.

Now to get through today.


Nov. 12th, 2014 07:33 am
malgrin: (Wee Me)
I am grateful for Pete - who finally hung Sheba the Chandelier yesterday. I don't even have all of the prisms put on yet, but she is *glorious*. Probably a bit much for our small space, but I DON'T CARE. Prisms make me happy.

Now I just need to clean up the old fixture and we need to get a hook for it and Pete can install it in my office - which will "class up the joint" and also allow me to actually SEE. Seeing for 8 hours while I work will be nice.

Additionally - Pete put the new dimmer and the new light fixture in the Pirate Room. I am grateful for this, too. The new dimmer is really chic. I now want them EVERYWHERE. The new light fixture is nice, and I can finally have two lightbulbs in the fixture (the old fixture was somehow messed up and so we couldn't get one of the dead lightbulbs out). This means, when I sew in there, I'll be able to see what I'm doing! We're shedding light on stuff all OVER the place!

I am grateful for a nice dinner. It was our anniversary - but we're actually celebrating this weekend. So, Karl came over and I made vegetarian chili with cornbread. It was beyond delicious. It was good to see Karl. He's doing well. He's getting good hours at work and so he's doing OK financially. That's always a relief. He got to see his dad for a bit last weekend, and it sounds like they had a really nice time.

I am grateful that yesterday was busier at work. The day went by relatively quickly. I hope the same will be true of today!
malgrin: (Wee Me)
I got a text this morning from Nick - he got a job! He'll be working at the same company where his mom works. So, this is good in a number of ways. First - he has a job. Second - his mom will see him frequently (probably almost daily) this way. So, someone in the family will have continuous eyes on him.


It would be great if Karl could be next.


Mar. 15th, 2014 08:46 am
malgrin: (Wee Me)
I am grateful that today I will see both of my children AND my sister and family AND Danielle. It will be quite grand.

I am also grateful for the beautiful weather we're to have today. The sun is already shining and temps are supposed to reach 68. Glorious!!!


Feb. 10th, 2014 07:25 am
malgrin: (Wee Me)
I am grateful that - in spite of the snow - the weekend was as much of a success as we could have hoped for. I went with Pete for Family Weekend at Brittany's rehab. I am grateful for the experience on many levels, even though I'm pretty emotionally tired right now.

I am additionally grateful that we were able to GET there - considering the road conditions and weather.

I am grateful that we had a reason that we HAD to leave the house, because I was getting into a funk having been trapped inside for days on end. Driving around and seeing how stupid the snow is all over town lightened my mood considerably.

I am grateful that it is supposed to rain and be warmer today.

I am grateful for the period of time that we were without power on Saturday night. Pete and I had to write letters to Brittany, so I lit a whole cluster of candles on the dining room table. I also lit them throughout the house, focusing primarily on the bedroom and bathroom (and I kept those doors closed to conserve any heat that the candles generated). We wrote our letters by candle light. Then, we just went to bed. It was only about 7:30, but we extinguished the candles that were in the main living spaces. I made sure the only candles burning in the bathroom were jar candles. We took a few extra candles into the bedroom, piled on some extra blankets, grabbed the cat and put him on the bed with us and we hunkered down. The candles kept the room very cozy and warm. The cat purred on my lap while I read my book (on my previously-charged Kindle). It was actually very cozy and sort of blissful. When the power came back on, we decided to just continue with our candlelit night and wound up going to sleep very early.

Speaking of which, I am grateful for extra sleep. Since we couldn't really go anywhere - and considering the emotional drain of how we were spending our days - we went to bed by 9:30 each night. I'm actually very well rested.

I will be busy at work today. I am grateful for that too. So... here we go. Monday!


Jan. 29th, 2014 08:00 am
malgrin: (Wee Me)
Today, I am grateful that I'm in a better mood. I am grateful for the rain. We needed it (even if it is cold and inconvenient). I am grateful for soup. I am grateful for my rolling-hills work-out at the gym. I am grateful for seeing a long-lost friend in meditation.
malgrin: (Wee Me)
Brave faces make me cry.


Sep. 16th, 2013 12:45 pm
malgrin: (Default)

Karl is taking his driving test right now. I feel like I am going to vomit. He isn't feeling nervous, which is good. I am now sitting where I can't see what is going on, which is helping. I should know the verdict within the next 20 minutes...if my stomach doesn't explode.


Sep. 6th, 2013 07:31 am
malgrin: (Wee Me)
My kids are leaving on a jet plane today. My current stress (and the stress I carried all night long) is "I hope they make it in time." He's fading fast.

Last night, we all talked. First, I tried to let them both know that regardless of whether they "make it in time" or not, he is with them. He knows that they love him. He knows that they want to see him. These things are not in question - and his mortal body is not his only means of knowing these things.

Britta wants to sit with him... even during his transition. My Pisces/Scorpio girl. She is braver than I can express.

Karl does not. I told Karl that it does not make him defective that he is handling this differently than Britta. They are different people and they process their emotions in different ways. Karl prefers to hold his vision of his vital Papa in his mind. He doesn't want it overwritten with images of suffering. I think that MANY humans are that way.

We spent some time talking about good and funny times. We talked about how Big Erik always said that when he died, he wanted to be stuffed and propped up in the corner. We talked about how we always had to hide our special snacks because anything in the house that he could find was "fair game" as far as Erik was concerned. Karl said he didn't think he'd want to have any ice cream while he was in California because he knew that it would be "safe" in the freezer.

Karl also said that something that has been hard for him during his Papa's illness is that very fact. His Papa enjoyed a good meal or a good snack. The fact that this illness has caused him to barely eat for the past six months makes Karl understand why his Papa is so ready to die. Life isn't as enjoyable or fun for him.

Britta said that the family's plan is to have Erik cremated and then to go out on his boat (which is named "Britta" after my daughter) and scatter his ashes.

I told both kids that whether they are "in time" or not - the most important thing right now is that they are together - the kids and their dad and their grandma. Papa is on his own journey - and it isn't terribly likely that he's paying a whole lot of attention to what is going on around his mortal body right now. But - being there for one another is IMPORTANT.

I had trouble sleeping all night long. I felt like I was aware of my phone all night. I know I did sleep... it was just restless, light sleep. I dreamed that he was sleeping on striped sheets. At first they were grey and white stripes... and by the end, they were black and white stripes. It meant something, but I am not sure what.

I think of my phone as my "Constant and Dreadful Companion." It is likely the device via which I'll be informed that Erik has passed on. That LadyB has passed on. And so, I keep it with me always. It weighs so little. It weighs so much.

Love, Me

Aug. 5th, 2013 09:34 am
malgrin: (love letter)
Ways I am being loving toward myself today:

Brewing delicious (orange/peach) iced tea so I'll stay hydrated (no caffeine - no sugar)
Having a delicious fruit/protein smoothie which is nourishing and filling (but doesn't make me feel heavy)

When I Go

Jul. 25th, 2013 03:40 pm
malgrin: (Wee Me)
I'm not trying to be morbid today, but my co-worker turned 50 today and told me that when he passes away, he wants the song "Time to Say Goodbye" played at his service.

I've known this for many years.

For some reason - today it sparked within me a need to listen to the song that I'd like played at MY service when my time has come. I have listened to it 10 times or more today already. I don't feel like this means I'm melancholy. The lyrics of this song simply resonate with me... and inspire me. They make me feel determined to LIVE (and in some respects - live in ways that I'm really not living at the moment) so that I'll be READY ... when I go.

Lyrics )
malgrin: (Wee Me)
I heard from my kids' grandma this morning. The needle biopsy on their grandpa has confirmed the lymphoma diagnosis. So - the diagnosis wasn't incorrect, but apparently that cocktail of chemo drugs isn't doing the trick, so they're at square one. He's feeling a little better, though. I suspect that's because he's in the hospital with an IV. He has trouble staying hydrated on his own.

So - this news lets me breathe a little better. It isn't a scarier diagnosis than he already had. I am sad, though, that the first stab at treatment has been ineffective and that he has a whole new protocol yet to endure. Britta is flying out to see them in a couple of weeks. I'm glad for that.

I'm mentally/emotionally adjusting to LadyB's diagnosis. She was feeling a bit better yesterday... and has some wonderful people helping to take care of her. She's so outspoken about what she needs from her friends - it is helping me to navigate the situation and not just roost in an emotionally devestated place. I can be of use. She needs me to be of use. I will be of use.

On the legal front, our lawyer has rattled his saber officially - and we'll see what happens. I'm remaining relatively unattached to results. Sure - there is a vague hope that this will go well for us - and legally, it SHOULD. However, with all of the other emotional stuff going on, I just can't get too invested. I am glad that program can "run in the background" for now.

Tomorrow is Faerieworlds. I can hardly believe that it is here. I don't feel as attached to it as I have in the past. I have felt relatively detached from most things since April. I'm hoping to have a good time all the same. It's going to be 88 degrees tomorrow - which will be hot. It's supposed to drop off a bit over the weekend, which will be good. It's actually 80 degrees in my office right now... so today will probably get interesting. Ugh. But, there is work to be done and so I shall do it.
malgrin: (Wee Me)
I am dangerously in need of an adventure.


Jun. 18th, 2013 01:22 pm
malgrin: (Wee Me)
I am grateful for the fresh basil growing in my back yard. It is truly delicious and gives me pleasure.


May. 31st, 2013 11:40 am
malgrin: (Wee Me)
I need to get this habit going again.

I am grateful for my spiritual life. It really feeds everything. Every time I explain to someone how much it has transformed me, I am hit all over again with just how significant the transformation has been. I know that recent events would have unhinged the old me altogether. I'm very, very grateful for every step I've taken and every ounce of help I've had every step of the way.

I am grateful for SUNSHINE. We've had a lot of rain again lately, but today is beautiful (so far).

I am grateful for my children. They each add something so special and specific to my life.

I am grateful for my husband - for his strength and courage.

Good Things

May. 2nd, 2013 08:19 am
malgrin: (Wee Me)
Yesterday, Pete and I actually went on a walk. We picked a perfect evening for it. I needed a jacket, but the sun was out and was warm. There was a breeze. All of the flowers are in bloom and everything is fragrant. I buried my face in lilacs and roses alike. We walked for two miles, which I could feel a bit by the time we got home. Oh - atrophy. But, we intend to try to and start doing this several times a week, so the atrophy will be reversed.

It was a good day - all in all - and I am grateful. I appreciate each good day. I have to appreciate each good day.
malgrin: (Wee Me)
I am still incredibly busy at work - but I got a couple of reports sent out this morning, so that helped me feel like I can actually get things DONE. If I hadn't had some computer problems, it would have been three reports. Ah well. I came in half an hour early and am taking a half-hour lunch.

Last night, I got a lot done preparing for tonight's meeting and just other administrative functions. So, I'm feeling pretty good about that. I was in my office from 6 pm until 8:45... AFTER the normal 8-hour work day. But, things got done which needed to be done. Some of those things will NEVER take that much time ever again. So, it's Good Stuff(TM).

Tomorrow night, I'm getting my tattoo touched up. Other than that, however, I am not "busy." Hopefully the touch-up won't take too long.

There are a lot of things dancing around at the back of my mind which need my attention. They won't get it today, however.



malgrin: (Default)

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