Sep. 6th, 2013


Sep. 6th, 2013 07:31 am
malgrin: (Wee Me)
My kids are leaving on a jet plane today. My current stress (and the stress I carried all night long) is "I hope they make it in time." He's fading fast.

Last night, we all talked. First, I tried to let them both know that regardless of whether they "make it in time" or not, he is with them. He knows that they love him. He knows that they want to see him. These things are not in question - and his mortal body is not his only means of knowing these things.

Britta wants to sit with him... even during his transition. My Pisces/Scorpio girl. She is braver than I can express.

Karl does not. I told Karl that it does not make him defective that he is handling this differently than Britta. They are different people and they process their emotions in different ways. Karl prefers to hold his vision of his vital Papa in his mind. He doesn't want it overwritten with images of suffering. I think that MANY humans are that way.

We spent some time talking about good and funny times. We talked about how Big Erik always said that when he died, he wanted to be stuffed and propped up in the corner. We talked about how we always had to hide our special snacks because anything in the house that he could find was "fair game" as far as Erik was concerned. Karl said he didn't think he'd want to have any ice cream while he was in California because he knew that it would be "safe" in the freezer.

Karl also said that something that has been hard for him during his Papa's illness is that very fact. His Papa enjoyed a good meal or a good snack. The fact that this illness has caused him to barely eat for the past six months makes Karl understand why his Papa is so ready to die. Life isn't as enjoyable or fun for him.

Britta said that the family's plan is to have Erik cremated and then to go out on his boat (which is named "Britta" after my daughter) and scatter his ashes.

I told both kids that whether they are "in time" or not - the most important thing right now is that they are together - the kids and their dad and their grandma. Papa is on his own journey - and it isn't terribly likely that he's paying a whole lot of attention to what is going on around his mortal body right now. But - being there for one another is IMPORTANT.

I had trouble sleeping all night long. I felt like I was aware of my phone all night. I know I did sleep... it was just restless, light sleep. I dreamed that he was sleeping on striped sheets. At first they were grey and white stripes... and by the end, they were black and white stripes. It meant something, but I am not sure what.

I think of my phone as my "Constant and Dreadful Companion." It is likely the device via which I'll be informed that Erik has passed on. That LadyB has passed on. And so, I keep it with me always. It weighs so little. It weighs so much.


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