Jan. 9th, 2013

malgrin: (Wee Me)
I think my step-father is dying. I don't keep in contact with him anymore since my mother passed away. We had one long phone conversation to discuss the abuse I endured at his hands when I was a teenager. It wasn't pleasant, but I reached a new level of being at peace with it all.

I wish I could say that he wasn't a loaded topic for me in any way at all anymore, but that isn't true. I'm not haunted anymore. However, he will always be tied up in the disintegration of my relationship with my mother. I will always regret that I allowed that to happen...that I allowed his influence to keep me away from her.

In some ways, he's still doing it. He has never claimed my mother's ashes... and my sister and I are not allowed to do so without his written permission. If he passes on - I hope that the estate will allow us that right or that the right will pass to us as next of kin. I'm honestly not sure.

Once upon a time, my sister and I would have inherited something from my mother. I don't know if that will happen anymore. It isn't VERY important - although there was at least some wealth that they enjoyed as a result of what my mother inherited from my grandmother. It rankles a bit to think that my grandmother's estate will pass to people she never even knew. Those are petty thoughts, I know. I guess I just feel like he ripped my mother away from me - and nearly all traces of her as well.

Death is a messy business.

During that one telephone conversation that we had - he told me that he thought maybe my mother was haunting him. He would hear things from time to time and it frightened and unsettled him. All I could think was - "I hope she IS haunting you." There I go with the petty thoughts again. Here is another one: I hope she's waiting for him on the other side with her bright, pure, loving spirit... and I hope he can't even look her in the eye.

Today - I am mean. Later today, I will get my thoughts in order and find a peaceful and loving way to deal with this.

Go!

Jan. 9th, 2013 01:59 pm
malgrin: (Wee Me)
I didn't sit down on my lunch break today. That's three days running. I guess considering that I sit for my job all day long, it really doesn't matter. Moving around is good for me. What it really represents is a lack of "relaxing me-time." But - there is a lot to do around here. I've got a lot of projects I want to finish up, but I can't even justify working on them until the house is back in order again after the holidays.

I've been putting things back to rights in stages. I'm deep cleaning some things. They need it. With Karl working for all of December, there were a lot of tasks he'd normally do that didn't get done. I need to come up with a good way of handling those tasks myself because he's looking for a job again (and finding one NEEDS to happen).

Tonight, by some wild and random miracle, I will be home alone. Most of the miracle is that I'll actually be HOME. So, I'm going to shoot for a mix of "getting things done" and relaxing. Maybe I'll work on the baby quilt for Rozaylia (now that Maisie is almost 4 months old) so I can get that done. Quilting - really NOT my bag. Good to know. I just want to get it done, though, so I can move on with my life. It is nearly done. It just needs to be tipped over the edge. Then I can start working on some other project that's been languishing around here for ages.

I think I'm feeling better today than yesterday. Yesterday, I nearly fell asleep at my desk. I must be readjusting to the workday, etc.

Good. Lot's to do.

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